I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
