I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
