My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
