there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
