omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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