Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
