So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
