remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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