1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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