I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
