Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize