i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
