Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
