In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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