My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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