my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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