oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
