i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I want a musical about memes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
