I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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