Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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