we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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