So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
