omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
