Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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