I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
