My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
