I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
