I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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