Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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