you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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