i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
