ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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