My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
