one might say we're banned from that church
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
