i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
