how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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