dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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