isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
