my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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