You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
