If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
