tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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