My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
