alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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