They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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