your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
