Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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