my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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