I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
