I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
well you can't waste a boner
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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