I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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