On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She said her name was "party"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
