We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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