Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
