you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
