My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
