I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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