He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
