i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
