Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
